pet possibilities

I ran across what might be the most fun news story of the day. Scientists have apparently discovered the fossil of (language fans beware) a miniature mammoth. Previously, I always wanted some kind of very large cat (perhaps a Maine Coon or Mokave, as it would be fun to have a 25 pound feline. Now? I kinda want a mini mammoth. Damn their extinction.

somebody get me a doctor

A little over two months ago, me and the spousal unit welcomed our progeny unit into the world. Ever since then, it has been landmark after landmark: first time rolling over by herself (which actually happened her first night home), first sleep through the night (which hasn't happened since), first word (which sounded like "BBBBBRRRAAAWWWAAAGGGHHHH!!!" ... but very loud), first unbelievably scary diaper (the less said, the better), and first stock market tip (for a cryogenics company). This week, we have hit another landmark: first hospital bill.

Frankly, I'm glad. That means only a few more payments, and we'll own that kid outright.

They would've started rolling in earlier, but there were, of course, insurance mix-ups and bureaucratic snafus. At the hospital, they insisted our darling kiddo have the spousal unit's last name on all paperwork even though we were giving her my last name in real life. Of course, this led to rejected insurance claims, and I had to make separate calls to straighten out the mess with the facility's billing and the hospital's billing...which apparently are separate corporations in spite of occupying the same space/time coordinates. Stephen Hawking should be consulted on this anomaly.

We got the first actual bills yesterday. Honestly, they weren't as scary as I was expecting (which cannot, incidentally, be said about placenta). Unlike many of my fellow countrymen, I actually have pretty good insurance...which is one of the reasons I urge all you to join me in a rousting chorus:



The bills are, however, still curious. Both of them are from companies which label themselves "consultants," and this is frankly something I don't understand. If it's just a name thing, okay...hell, trucking companies are now "logistics corporations," so if a fancy title makes you sleep at night, I, as a former asphalt pigmentation application specialist, certainly understand. However, now when I see a statement from "Anesthesiology Consultants," I have to start wondering if it was an actual anesthesiologist whose services we used. Did the person who delivered my spousal unit's drugs really need to consult with someone? Will we get a bill for both actual and theoretical anesthetic services? How many medical people does it take to deliver an epidural?

Now...when is that damn diaper consultant gonna show up?

partytime in a small town

It's the time of the year the good boys and girls of Northwest Ohio look forward to all year long. Yes, this weekend is the 27th Annual McClure Radish Festival! Party!

I will be going if at all possible. Actually, I've been planning to go to the last several of these, but I always miss it. And it's not because I'm a radish fan. Actually, I hate the things. However, you gotta love an event held in honor of something people normally think so little of...and the fact that it's the highlight of the town's social calendar.

McClure has signs up that claim they are the radish capital of America. I will go to verify their claims and report back. It's my duty.

wakeup call

Killing time before my conferences, and I've got the tv on. Flipping through channels, I just found out that Spike is playing repeats of The Shield...at the ungodly hour of ten am! Can you really think of a worse way to wake up?

on carnivores, magic, and trees

One of my favorite lines from comics is when John Wilder (a character from Warren Ellis's Planetary) talks about living for the rare moments when the world is different than advertised...more unusual, weirder, more mysterious, more magical.

The problem is that these moments don't come around very often. Usually, we get caught up in our routines. Lately, I am dealing with the end of a semester, and my thoughts turn to how the issues my students have never really seem to change; the paper topics are different, but that's about it. My job never really changes; since all I teach is freshman comp, there's little about my semesters that presents new challenges. I drive the same way to work each day, drink the same coffee, go to the same house in the same town I've lived in for the last nine years.

I hate negative change. It makes me think that the world, this existence, is a place of decline and repetition...and there's no magic in that.

So it makes me particularly happy when I get to see something unusual, something unexpected, something that reminds me that the world is still a place with great mysteries in store.

A while back, I read a news article about some carnivorous trees in India. Really. I've heard of carnivorous plants before, like the tres-cool Venus Flytrap, but these are on a whole other level. These have been seen trying to eat cows...yes, cows. Rumor has it that they have also grabbed humans.

Of course, I can't find a photo anywhere. But even though I can't see it, the very idea that these meat-eating trees exist excites me. There are new things out there to explore, to experience. Life throws a lot of stuff at us, and it's reassuring to find out that life can be stranger than any science fiction. It's cool that this kind of thing is out there, and it makes me want to broaden my experiences, find some more unusual stuff myself, personally experience more of the mysteries of life.

Doesn't the very idea of a man-eating tree just scream magic? Mystery? Wonder?

Halo 3 for God

The New York Times has an article on church groups using Halo 3 at their meetings. Personally, I find this fascinating. I wonder if their game play is any different, or it's just used as "kill aliens while I talk to you about God."

The possibilities are, of course, endless. You could specifically interpret the game as some gargantuo metaphor...are the aliens demons? (hey, they actually are demons in Doom) Is the game a great recreation of the crusades?

Are there any actual explicitly Christian video games out there? Any that incorporate the level of action as the average 1st person shooter? I smell a market niche...

(incidentally, you might've seen this story if you've been reading interwub postcards, my other blog...hint, hint)

worst product idea ever?

There is a company in Delaware which sells a product called The Back-Up. It is a rack that fits under your bed's mattress and holds either a shotgun or a rifle...the theory being that you might need to shoot someone without getting out of bed.

I can't begin to count the ways that this is a bad idea. The temptation is very strong to make a redneck joke, but I'm going to refrain. At any rate, it is this kind of product which is going to make the gun lobby look like a continuing joke in this country.

The best part of this? When the bedspread is down, it hides your weaponry! Be deadly and still have good decorating taste!

I've posted the demonstration video on Interwub Postcards.

Sigmund was never equipped to handle this

one of my dreams last night revolved around some genetically modified shrimp that, in addition to being tasty when boiled, each had the ability to store an mp3. Me and some other people were trying to figure out how to broadcast the shrimp tunes.

on the sadism of sidewalk engineers

Mother, I hope you're okay...I pray. Yes, I admit it...I might've strayed, even though I swear I was trying with all my heart...but it's a long walk back from the bars, and there might've been a moment when I...I hate to admit...stepped on a crack. I can only pray that your spine is okay.

food product I should've thought up

On our way back from Cleveland, the spousal unit and I stopped by a turnpike service plaza to...well...get serviced, I guess. After, we hit the food court, and at a bagel place, I saw one of the ultimate food ideas...a bagel dog. It was a grilled hot dog wrapped in bagel dough and baked.

I'm a big fan of weird food. I've even done the 7/11 taquito. So, of course, I had to try one.

Evaluation? Disappointing. It was an everything bagel skin, and the seeds n' such overwhelmed the dog flavor. Furthermore, grease from the dog seeped into the bagel dough, leaving a fairly gross layer of bagel slime.

How can something that sounds so right end up so wrong?

proper professor wear

My office is right down the hall from the pscyhology testing area. I'm not sure what exactly they do there...I would like to imagine that it involves electro-shock therapy, but I'm sure the university bureaucracy wouldn't allow it.

Anyway, whenever I hit the restroom, I ineveitably see one or two of the grad students wandering the hall outside the testing room. They have recently taken to wearing lab coats...I guess in an attempt to seem more "authority."

I wonder if this would work for me. If I donned a lab coat when I taught or did office hours, would students start calling me "Dr. DuBose," as opposed to the "Mr. DuBose" or "hey, scumbag" I now hear?

Where can one get cheap lab coats? Is it worth it? Would they clash or accentuate my current wardrobe of Hawaiian or concert shirts?

where's the snow?

It's almost 70 outside. When I went to the library, there were scantily clad girls rollerblading, people eating lunch on the green, people in teeshirts, people worshipping the sun god Ra, people protesting global warming, people cooking eggs on car hoods, people staring at the sun and going blind, people sharing sunscreen...

yesterday's random quote of the day

"It didn't make me throw up...it just made me cry"

hearts and sliders

In celebration of that great greeting card-inspired holiday, the spousal unit and I went to (as I've mentioned before) the White Castle Valentine's Day Candle-light Dinner. And it was everything we expected.

There was a hostess who showed us to our pink table-clothed, flower-balloon-candle festooned table. The store was decorated in pink, with hearts. There were Cupid garlandss adorning the windows.

One of the workers, wearing a plastic apron decorated with hearts, took our order like a real waitress...she dropped off our menus, got our drinks, took our main order, brought our food, and checked up on us a few times. Actually, now that I think of it, we got better service from her than at many fine restaurants. And the whole staff approached the night with much better of a sense of humor than I would have, if I would've been a minimum wage-earning fast food employee being asked to play dress-up.

The meal itself was classic White Castle. My wife and I each had a number of sliders and split a sack of fries. Afterward, the waitress brought us a complimentary cupcake (with a heart ring stuck in the frosting) and a bag of Valentine candy.

It was probably the most romantic V day I've ever had...which says something about me, no doubt. The wife also enjoyed it very much...which, no doubt, also says something about her. This is why I love her.

wither sex advice?

I'm really way too busy to be posting anything (3 weeks 'till a conference presentation, and I haven't written paragraph one), but The Onion A/V Club has Sarah Silverman answering sex advice questions...it's brilliant but not for the faint of heart.

greetings on this, the most Freudian of holidays.

Even the damn groundhog's in on global warming...Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow, so even less winter this year.

Hope your day doesn't keep repeating.

the weirdest product ever

I was with my wife at the in-laws this past weekend, and we went to the Dollar Store to pick up supplies. They had, and this is no lie, "Placenta Shampoo."

Apparently, when you sell your products for a dollar, you have to do away with such fancy things as "marketing" and "product names that are not utterly disgusting."

As soon as I can get the photo off my phone, I've gotta post it.

I'm living in a third world town!

When my wife was home for lunch yesterday, someone from the city came and told her that our house was under a "boil water before drinking" advisory. Don't they only do this in places where people don't have shoes?

specialized Mike vocabulary

I'm trying to start a movement to get people to incorporate more colorful language in their daily lives. The first work I'd like you to use is "squadoosh," meaning nothing, nada, zip. In a (true, unfortunately) sentence:

"Even though I've had several bites, leads, and promises in my 2006-2007 tenure-track job search, so far they have come to exactly squadoosh."

C'mon, use it in your own conversations!

cheap sensationalism...or art?

Is anything off-limits as a subject for art? Is there anything we're not ready to deal with as a culture? Should there be?

All of these are questions raised (or at least addressed) by a great article in Wired called "I, Colombine Killer" about a video game which puts you in the perspective of the Columbine shooters. It's a great read, and it will really make you think about the uses to which art can be used.